Dead Broke #Prekill
Yep I did it again. In the course of writing this I have been “righted.” The universe has conspired for me and cause me to yet again rack up a negative balance that is quite impressive. I don’t worry these days, I endure. I am so certain that my growth will outweigh my financial situation(s) that it is almost laughable how manipulated our society has been fashioned to think about and approach financial matters. Man, why am I like this? Is there something in the water supply in Lawton, OK. I reference back to my hometown because I’ve been feeling this absence of aversion. There is no real risk as we climb and attempt again to climb. Dead broke resurfaces as opportunity for me at this stage. The hours spent fly by in minutes, do the reviews warrant the effort? Can I simply choose to work intelligently? Or is it a learned skill? Should one experience it in order to use it? Can you really be sure without experiencing inefficiency first? Clues and lessons, the stress is building but I’m no longer concerned enough to find a way to blow off pressure. I’m at one with the pressure. The musty fog that a jazz artist is so used to that he becomes fond of it. The days turn into weeks that we can’t count if we tried. The stage is fucked up but we still perform. I never wanted to live a normal life anyways. Is this what I was asking for? Is this the type of “adventure” my stubborn disregard for barriers and limits?
The tiredness is creepy up on me. I try to wake up early, but something constantly holds me in that bed. It’s definitely not that I’m lacking sleep, it’s much more dangerous than that this time. I’ve never been lazy, I think I’m experiencing a certain thing. Some could call it exhaustion or maybe depression. I’m realizing that on this path those two emotions are interchangeable. After multiple times having my bank account negative hundreds of dollars I realize that it doesn’t affect my daily tasks any longer. I remember when it first happened. The pain was such that I would work myself up into a panic. Now, almost completely numb to it, I take screenshots of my bank account each time it dips that low. I take some sort of twisted pride in pushing myself in this regard. I remember the feeling each time. I pay dues, I pay respect to the part of the game that says my business will fail within 1 year. I oscillate between accepting the pain and being proud of it. Should I fight or embrace? No one taught me this part of the process so I’m perplexed. I wonder if this is similar to the old adage of slowly cooking the frog. A slow boil creates the illusion that death isn’t imminent. Is this what it means to lose, to be in denial of the worse kind? Am I strong or am I softening up due to the journey? A moment presses up against me internally. A moment that could make me a fool or a legend.