Dreams Remembered #Prekill
Last night I was restless, unable to pinpoint the reason for my unrest, my mind wandered and landed in my past.
For some reason I thought exclusively of those frenemies of past, the individuals that I knew in passing, but we didn’t quite vibe well. I took a step further back and examined my polarizing attitude I often took up in those days. Distant and indifferent, I was able to interact and still keep my precious space. The truth is, I was always very confident in who I was and what I was becoming. For those reasons I didn’t want association with those individuals still discovering or trying to find their way in a sense. My own elitist attitude drove me into isolation and it wasn’t until recently that I was able to let my guard down, accept where I am and move my own life forward. I was listening to Joe Rogan’s interview with David Goggins recently and I was delighted to hear them express something I’ve always held dear. They mentioned this disdain for others that were failing, accepting that they couldn’t go harder, accepting limitation. It was me alone that was responsible for this feeling, but it has resulted in me being critical of friends and family. It’s like this competitive switch that I just couldn’t turn off. It comes back to me so not wanting those traits in myself that I judge others as weaklings when they express those traits. I became dismissive of those that fell below my standard, I was indeed a snob. My realization preceded the dream of last night. Something that really caught my attention was the lifestyle goals that I stopped writing some time ago. I started focusing so much on process that the material possessions, the status symbols, the enjoyment of that part of my nature is largely unaddressed. I took a moment last night to understand that me realizing a dream was also validation for my unhealthy attitude toward others. I let that go, the ego can be a burden. My pride was attached to this elite attitude, largely because I hadn’t quite understood how to express the feeling in better ways. I had done it, I had become what I despised and it was time to disengage in the behaviors that had alienated me beyond arm’s length as I intended. Yes it is my nature to be more on the introverted edge of the personality spectrum, but my achievements hadn’t quite caught up to my cavalier attitude. I knew that I now was doing this for self and with that in mind it was time to have the fruit of my labor become my personal trophy. Am I really strong enough to find victory internally? Am I able to disconnect the art called business and reenter a world driven by possibility and curiosity? I just love the pursuit, I love trading, I love selling online, I love writing. These things have never changed about me. Now comes the dreams realized, no one needs to know, no attitude needs to be express, I can indeed live a Meditation Life and pursue my own path once more fueled by positive rather than destructive reasoning. I had become Vegeta smh. The chip on my shoulder growing more intense, the disdain and the enjoyment of being an outcast overtook my desire to truly succeed. I love dreams, I started on this path because of them. After last night, I realize how internal this journey needs to remain in order to keep priorities center stage. Stay tuned, I’ll be transitioning and you’ll hear about it once it’s complete.