I was reduced to this amount and although financially numbers are arbitrary, this was not enough for me to fund my business AND take care of my responsibilities at home. I was a broke black man living off my girlfriend. Her name was even first on the lease because when we signed my income was unverified and not enough to qualify as the primary leaseholder. I was on the decline after running out of money on Christmas vacation in SF. The first time I had spent a holiday with her family, and yep I was flat broke and dependent on her. Just writing this memory gives me a headache. I’m back at ground zero. I thought I had already experienced my worse. I thought my time in Odessa was the proving ground. I thought I was done with the pain of trying and not attaining. I had a bad week. Everyday building up to a Friday night blow-up that left me wondering if I had a relationship with my girlfriend of 4yrs. It wasn’t her fault, I should have stayed home. I’ve battled with my introversion, some times taking pride in it, but every now and then pushing my need to reenergize to the brink and regretting it.
This is the regret. I said some things, she said some things. I was weed high and quite a bit surfaced that I had kept a lid on for so long. I was broken, a product of deferred maintenance rather than inherent defect. Is this exhaustion or what? Is this what it means to fail in a final way? Is there such thing as final or am I supposed to just get up and keep fighting no matter what? I’m left with no real answers to the question outside of my own intuition. Blind spots exists and I realize they are there, I just can’t put my finger on what they are. The tools remain, but I must wield them intelligently and effectively if I expect to conquer this demon. This demon called stagnation. No one else can tell me the way, I accept that. There is no default in victory. There is no marginal victory. I realize that I must level up in a real way in order to succeed. Coasting or barely making it through is the same as failure if we’re talking effort. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. In my case I was blinded by it rather than guided, causing me to crash haphazardly into each barrier as it presented itself to me. Fortunately, I’ve taken note and can now offer those brave souls that dare take a similar journey a few best practices I discovered the hard way. This is failure from striving not failure from attempting. Hopefully we minimize the collateral damage that striving for excellence can have on a man’s (or woman’s) psyche. If you know you know.