Still Win #Prekill
The conscious choice to win amid adversity. Sit still, take time to think.
I’m weighed down with the helplessness felt by young people throughout the world. That first time they realize that not only is “it” hard. But, the only guidance “go to school” is only a half-baked generic answer that leaves us more confused than equipped. The win exists but for most I’m hard-pressed to believe that the confines of academia can truly support our best lives. We don’t choose college, it’s decided. It’s a a decision based on fear. The same fear that makes us “take” a job. Survival = a need to fill a space. We wait to make the decision when the decision is already all but made. Ribs is touchin. Why do we expect to create from this position.
No one I was around was talking about job prospects until late Spring. Preparedness isn’t top of the list, sometimes if feels like the credit fades for those that seem to put in effort. Everyone is grinding but the only shine comes to those that seem to do so effortless. The insight is perfect, the antidote takes some getting used to. Our altered reality isn’t completely internal. The culture we’re raised in celebrates the Jesus figure. The hero unscathed saving the day and living to bask in the glory. I remember when things started to unravel. I remember being ostracized in a since, maybe it was a figment of my imagining. Maybe, it was the fact that we’re taught to win but never how to fail. Always a sore loser, always hoping to cover up the loss. I can’t lose, I’d be considered a loser in taking an L right? I was forced to learn, I was forced to acknowledge, I was forced to swallow blood and then pride.
I couldn’t have guessed the pain the existed inside of my own ego. More specifically, how limiting loss could be. Growth was replaced by loathing. Panic attacks supplemented bragging and boasting. The game evolved around the first time I died. The pain evolved into game. The first time I could see myself as strong. The boy became a man, the man became a businessman. There’s levels to this shit. There’s evolution to this shit. The theories were sound though, I’ll always be thankful for the vision early on. I was 19 and knowing. I was unaware of the barrier that existed, failure as a doorway the win I was seeking. Instead I was like a prize fighter ducking and dodging the most worthy contender (failure) hoping the threat would subside. Maybe I was waiting in attempt to keep my record clean. Undefeated amongst bums. No I wasn’t aware of what I was doing but I was stuck in the amateurs running in circles out of fear that I was convinced was careful consideration. Instead I wasted a couple years. There’s no win there, there’s no pride in stagnating. I know what winning is now, I had to accept what losing was first though. I had to earn the title outside of being flawless. But honestly, fuck perfect. We push to gain levels, we stop only when we reach our highest level.